2011 was one of the hardest years I've ever been through. So much changed with my family dynamic and relationships, things that are completely irreparable, things that have left me "motherless" and my youngest daughter without a grandma.
I never in my life imagined that someone who brought you into this world could do something so...so, reprehensible, so underhanded, so hurtful! And to think that I will never have my mother to turn to, and I have had to make the gut wrenching decision for my youngest daughter, to not allow a relationship with her grandmother. My oldest daughter is angry at me for making that choice, but she doesn't understand it all. How can I allow a woman who hurt her children continuously and has caused the same hurt to her granddaughters, to continue the pattern. If she won't stop it then I have to, right??
I have never had a super close relationship with any of my family. My mother and I were close until I had my oldest daughter and lived with her until she was 4 and then she has tried to control me every since. When I met my husband, is when I finally started becoming more dependent on myself and less on her. That is really where our relationship ended, we just kept up the facade for my kids relationship with her. Does she realize how bad the things she did really were? I don't think so, and I think that is one of the hardest things for me. Knowing that she will probably never feel any sort of regret for what she did. Always wondering why I had to act so harshly and just couldn't "get over it". She is a sweep it under the rug person for sure.
But that's over and there is no reason to start a new year dwelling on things that cannot be changed. I have to forgive her, and I am working on that (but by no means does that mean I will allow her back in my life, nor will I even acknowledge my forgiveness to her, that is between me and God).
My oldest and I are where we are,I have to work on it from where it is, I have to accept that she will probably not change her decision (which I have accepted peace with it being her decision now and not something she was forced into by me), but I do know that we are getting better being around each other, and I know that she seems to wants to improve us and that is good. I have a lot of regrets about the past, she is a senior and can't wait to go away to school. I really wish she didn't want to run far so fast, part of it is natural, part of it is, well all that stuff you blame your mother for in therapy.
I am trying harder than ever to reach out to God and live my life as Jesus did. I have to figure out church and I have to pray for Wyatt. Things there have been so confusing and difficult too; I really just have to resolve to not get angry about it and not make it about me, even when I think I'm not.
Organizing my home, improving my sewing skills, work on house to sell next year, build relationship with my children (so they don't end up the way my mother and i have), build relationship with husband, build relationship with God, take quiet time daily, live more naturally and blog about it all a whole lot more. Those are some of the things for me to work on in 2012, I want to keep a positive attitude about it all and give God my troubles, because I can't handle them alone!!
Hope everyone has a fantastic 2012!!
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