I was baptized as an infant into the Methodist church. We probably attended regularly until I was about 5 or 6 (around the time my parents divorced). Then we became church goers only at the "important" times, Christmas and Easter. My mom remarried when I was 10 and that was when the holiday attendance pretty much ended. I remember a couple times in high school we went for Christmas Eve, but really I had no spirituality in my life growing up. In high school and college I claimed I was agnostic due to the fact that I really didn't understand anything about God and I guess really didn't care either. In my second year of college I had to take a religion course, I chose new testament as I thought I would be the easiest. I cried after the first class; I was embarrassed that I knew none of the stories or people that the professor was speaking about. Of course I'd heard the names of the disciples, but I didn't know what a disciple was, I was so unfamiliar with all the stuff that the class just seemed to know right off the top of their heads. Instead of this giving me determination to learn more and understand this foreign subject to me, I only closed myself off more and poo-poo'd the idea of a God and of Jesus being his son and just thought blah, blah, blah...what a bunch of s**t! I have always been a very open minded person, I support gay rights and I believe in the right to choose abortion, so to me, I couldn't be OK with these things and other things I support, and still believe in God. I sure didn't think that if there was a God that He would accept me this way. I stayed away from religious conversation's with people, as I didn't feel I had a good enough grasp on why I felt the way I felt (other than my ignorance of the subject). When I met my husband things began to change. He grew up Catholic one weekend (with his dad) and the other weekends, as well as weekdays and for school, he attended a non-denominational church with his mother. So he was a little screwed up on his feelings of church, but he did believe in God and he believed that Jesus died for the sins of all. But he really had (and still has) some church issues. When we first started dating, it was pretty much just accepted as something we didn't discuss because we didn't agree. Over the first couple years we got to where we could talk about it some, I would ask him questions about things and he would teach me about the bible, but I was not ready to accept it by any means, just trying to understand what it was the man I loved believed in. In 2004 I really started questioning life; I really couldn't understand why I had to go through each day, day in and day out, just to go on to the next. What was it all for, what was the point. I had been suicidal as a youth, and I wasn't to that point, but I was very depressed and really having a hard time coping with where my life was, mainly because I really felt like it was no where! That Christmas, I received the book by Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life. It sat on my night stand for a couple weeks and then I decided maybe I should read it. My husband and I talked about it and we agreed to read it together each night. After the first week, we began talking about possibly trying out church (all I remembered about church was it was BORING!!!); but I thought I didn't have anything to lose. My husband said he knew where we should start and pulled a business card from his wallet (obviously had been there a while). He told me the story: A little over a year prior when he was working as an appliance installer he met a man that was pastor of a church in town. Wyatt had really liked him and had carried his business card around for over a year figuring it might come in handy one day. I thought if there was ever a reason to try a church out than this was probably a good one. So the following Sunday we attended our first service at Capital Vineyard Church of Austin. The topic of that Sunday's service was "How do you know God exists", when I saw that I thought, "wow, I'm 2 for 2 here. If these aren't some pretty big signs that this is the right path for me, than I don't know what is". It turns out that the first Sunday we attended was the last Sunday at that location (the address from the business card) and had we waited another Sunday we may not have found them, as they went through a string of elementary school locations before settling again. The pastor was awesome, they handed out notes before church, kind of a fill in the blank thing, and as he gave his sermon they filled in the notes on the screen via a power point presentation. This was perfect for me, as I have a short attention span and a hard time keeping up with someone else's pace. I felt welcome from the minute I walked in. One of the things I remembered from church as a child was during the service they would ask all visitors and new people to stand up, I was so afraid they would do that, but they didn't and that was just another plus on my list of pro's and con's going on in my head. I cried during the service, cried like I had never cried before, I felt embarrassed because I didn't really understand why I was crying, but I also felt some relief, I felt like this was OK, that I really needed the release. I had so many emotions those first few months that i never knew existed, I had desires that i had never known before, a desire to learn more about God, a true yearning to soak in as much information as I could. After 6 months of attending church I knew that I needed and wanted to be baptized. I knew that the baptism as I child was not sufficient enough for me to feel I had dedicated myself to God. My oldest daughter, Catie and Wyatt (not my husband at the time) both wanted to be baptized as well and on August 29, 2004, our wonderful Pastor, baptized each of us, it was such an amazing experience and to get to share it with my daughter and husband means the world to me.
The pastor, Pastor Barry, married Wyatt and I in 2005, the Worship Team played at my wedding, the ceremony was amazing and very God centered, something I never imagined I would have; but am truly thankful everyday, that I found God before I got married. We stayed at that church for almost 4 years, Pastor Barry left after 3 1/2 years, this was difficult for my husband and I, in different ways. Pastor Barry and his wife had been my first Christian mentors, they were parental figures in my life, as well as dear friends. They left shortly before Whitney was born, but Barry was back for some business the week that she was born and got to come to the hospital and pray over her and bless her. It was very special for me, as he was one of the first people we told we were pregnant. For my husband it was difficult as it brought back memories of church problems he went through in his youth.
That was 4 years ago, we haven't gotten back to where we were at that time. I tried out many churches on my own, after a year of not really going. I finally found one that seemed to be the fit and Wyatt started attending with me. We have not been good at attending regularly and there have been many Sunday mornings that the devil has come into our house and caused tension between Wyatt and I which ends in s not going to church, which I don't want for Whitney. He is in a place I can't understand right now. I am in a place I am trying to understand. I feel as if I have desperately been struggling over the last year to allow God into my life completely. Just recently I have looked back on where I have been and what I've been doing, I think I realized I have been trying to "PLAN" how to learn about God, how to give my life over to God, I've been looking for the perfect list to tell me how to do it, so I can have my "PLAN" ready. I keep saying once I have all this figured out then I'll be ready. What I realized, was I just keep putting it off. I heard this song the other day, I'm sure I've heard it a dozen times, but a couple days ago is when it really sunk in and I had to ask myself, why am I waiting for tomorrow?
"Waiting for Tomorrow" Mandessa
Maybe tomorrow we'll start over
Maybe tomorrow I will finally change my ways
Said the same thing yesterday
Don't know why I'm so afraid
To let You in
To let You win
To let You have all of me
(Chorus)
Can't live my whole life wastin'
All the grace that I know You've given
'Cause you've made for so much more than
Sittin' on the sidelines
I don't wanna look back and wonder
If good enough could've been better
Every day's a day to start over
So, why am I waiting for tomorrow (x2)
Maybe today I'll start believin'
That You're mercy really is
As real as You say it is
It doesn't matter who I used to be
It only matters that I've been set free
You rescued me
You're changing me
Jesus take everything
(Chorus)
I'm making this my moment now
To grab the hand that's reachin down
To save me
You saved me
I'm making this my moment now
To grab the hand that's reachin down
To save me
You saved me
(Chorus)
I'm gonna grab the hand that's reachin down
And I'm not gonna wait until tomorrow
Oh, tomorrow
